


I don't deserve your forgiveness

by Silva_13



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Durincest, Fix-It, M/M, Royal Wedding, mentions of past injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 11:25:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13856814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silva_13/pseuds/Silva_13
Summary: This is a fill for prompt number 168 '"I'm lonely," he whispered.' for the GatheringFiki WinterFRE2018





	I don't deserve your forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chelidona (Hobbity)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/gifts).



> This is a sequel to [One day you will be king](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12418278) and dedicated to [Chelidona](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona), who asked for a sorry Thorin and a wedding. Thank you for always encouraging me, for creating headcanons and helping me out with the language or other fandom related stuff. <3

After Dori had left Kili was pacing through his bedchamber restlessly. His heart beat fast and his palms were sweaty, his mind running in circles. This was really going to happen, he could not believe it. He was about to be married to his One, his brother, first heir in line to the throne of Erebor. That would make Kili … he had to taste the word on his tongue …

 

“C _onsort.”_

 

Not even six months ago he had feared to be send away from the kingdom by his uncle, and now? Now he was already dressed for the wedding ceremony, only waiting for his mother to come in to braid his hair in the traditional way, weaving in the marriage beads Fili had crafted for him. At least he hoped his brother had done so, since tradition required both betrothed had to forge those beads for their beloved to wear from the day of their wedding until they would return to the stone.

 

Kili stopped in front of the mirror, again turning from side to side to admire the garments Dori had made for him, all held in silver and dark blue. They fitted perfectly and hugged his figure nicely, but at the same time Dori had managed to let him appear wider in chest and shoulders, for Kili had lost a lot of weight during his recovery after the battle. 

 

_“Consort.”_

 

He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair, which had grown longer than ever before. If only his mother would come soon. Only the hairstyle stood between him and his future spouse now. Well, that and his uncle.

 

A dwarven wedding was a tradition-steeped event and even the marriage of two royal brothers was no exception. Braiding a groom’s hair in the traditional way and weaving in the wedding beads was only reserved for close family members, usually siblings, which wasn't possible in their case. While, of course, the king tended to his heir, they had decided that their mother would attend to Kili.

 

The brunet knew the procedure by heart. When braids and beads would be settled his mother would accompany him to the great throne hall, where the ceremony was going to be held. By that time Fili would already be there, waiting for him in front of the throne with Thorin, who would officially approve of their bond, seal the marriage and appoint Kili as the heir’s consort.

 

There was it again. Everything depended on Thorin and that worried Kili deeply. His mind wandered back to the last time he had seen Fili the day prior, hoping he had not stretched the blond’s patience too much with his worries.

 

~~~

 

_“Kee, stop working yourself all up about uncle. He does not think you are useless, nor does he disapprove of our bond. He’s just cautious with your condition. I mean, you almost died!”_

_“So did he, and you. And still he includes you in the matters of the kingdom while I am left out. He…”_

_“He is concerned. Neither he nor I had a head injury, let alone such a bad one. No-one wants to cause irreparable damage whilst overstraining you.”_

_“Do I look damaged to you? I’m perfectly fine, thank you very much.”_

_As soon as the words had left his mouth he regretted them, for he knew Fili only wanted his best. But his uncle’s changed behaviour still unsettled him. Maybe he had to get used to it. Thorin wouldn’t regain his trust in him by him being petulant. He sighed._

_“Fee, I’m sorry. I know you’re only worried. Don’t be, I’m fine.”_

_Fili brought their foreheads together._

_“I’m sure you’ll feel better once we’re married. There would be one issue less to doubt for you. Although I wished you’d have a little faith. Everything is going to be just fine.”_

 

~~~

 

Kili still couldn’t believe Thorin had given his blessings to their bond and that left him doubting and worrying about the issue whenever he had too much time to think of it. And too much time he had indeed, since his uncle and Fili were running the kingdom alone, leaving him out.

 

The last six months had gone in a blur. Everyone had been busy with the rebuilding of the kingdom and securing the survival of the dwarves during the winter, for they had lacked of livestock and crop plants. The Woodland Realm had had a big part in providing them with what was needed and soon the negotiations to form strong and permanent bonds with the surrounding kingdoms would start. Kili hadn't been much involved in all that, as his injuries required way longer to heal than expected.

 

It had taken more than three months, for the many fractured bones were instable and very painful. The stab wound had been infected twice and the consecutive raging fever had caused heavy setbacks for his recovery. Another problem had been his head injury, since he could barely concentrate at the beginning and often had suffered from terrible headaches. Thankfully his condition had improved immensely during the last months. But still, the relationship between him and Thorin had never been the same again ever since he had gotten shot in the leg with an orc arrow during the quest.

 

Of course the king, after overcoming his Gold Sickness, had been seized with remorse because of the cruel behaviour he had shown towards both of his nephews, Kili in particular. He had not only apologised but literally begged for forgiveness on his knees and of course both brothers had granted it without blinking.

 

But no matter what he had said in his apologies, obviously everything had only counted for Fili, not for himself. His uncle barely spoke to him, let alone spent time with him anymore. Lively conversations during the meals or drinking ale after the daily tasks in the tavern were reserved for other people.

 

The king hadn’t even bothered to include Kili in the matters of ruling, although he had been trained for that his entire life together with Fili. He was the spare after all. He had the same right to be involved as his brother. But he wasn’t, he was shut out. Especially the knowledge about the one vacant council seat wormed him. Why had Thorin not offered that one to him? His uncle couldn’t have been clearer about how he deemed him unworthy.

 

His only task was the guard, since it was usually the spare who led that powerful entity. Since Dwalin had taken over the post during Kili’s recovery the brunet was second in command, but with time the older dwarf would devolve more and more responsibility to the younger until he would be in full charge one day. That was a good strategy, for Dwalin had way more experience in leading an army than Kili. But still, although the brunet loved the guard it was not fulfilling. He often found himself lonely and feeling redundant.

 

~~~

 

When the long-awaited knock came Kili rushed to the door only to find Thorin in front of it unexpectedly. It was as if he had heard his thoughts and Kili couldn’t help but swallow thickly.

 

“Uncle, I already gave my beads for Fili to mother this morning. She wanted to bring them to you."

 

For a moment the king looked confused, but then realised that Kili expected him to be with his brother. He entered the room, surveying Kili’s appearance from top to bottom.

 

“There’s a change of plan, given that you allow it. I wanted to have a word with you before the ceremony, but there wasn’t any time during the last days. I’m sorry.”

 

Kili’s heart stopped. Was his uncle about to cancel the wedding? He had known it, never would the king marry his heir off to someone he deemed as unworthy as him.

 

"I ... I only wanted to make sure that you are comfortable with everything. A wedding ceremony is a very special event, so I absolutely understand when you don't want to be married by … by me of all people. Your mother as the regent could also conduct the procedure if you'd prefer that?"

 

Kili was bewildered by the offer, most of all he felt unsettled by Thorin's obvious insecurity. He actually looked to the floor and played with the hem of his tunic. Never in his entire life had he seen his uncle in such a state.

 

"Why would I not want you to officiate? You are the king. Thus you are the one to legalise our bond. It would be the greatest honour you could confer on me."

 

"It's just that... I wronged you brutally in the past. I mean, I left you there on this dock, dying, and called you the most horrible kind of things, like useless or even beardless. I knocked your brother down to separate you. Mahal, if it hadn't been for that elf…"

 

Kili clenched his jaw, for the memory stung deeply. But he had forgiven Thorin, so no bad word would leave his lips.

 

"You didn't know I was dying. And it was not you but the Gold Sickness speaking."

 

“But yet, I left you behind, alone and injured in a foreign town of men. Above that I insulted you and denied you the offered help from your brother. There is no night where I'm not driving myself insane with the imagination of you dying in Laketown. I can't say how ashamed I still feel about my behaviour. I feel as if … as if I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

 

Kili's heart melted. He had been clueless about his uncle's demons. If he had known, he definitely would have had a heart-to-heart with Thorin. Now he felt only sympathy for the haunted king.

 

"I didn't know you felt that way and I’m sorry I didn’t notice. You really don’t have to feel guilty. It was the Gold Sickness, we’ve talked that through.”

 

And in a much smaller voice he added, “Is it that what stands between us? Because I honestly thought you're still angry with me."

 

"How could I be? You saved us back then. Without you we still would be rotting in the Woodland realm’s dungeons. But why would you think I'm _still_ angry?"

 

And assuming that there were a lot more misunderstandings Kili told him everything what had bothered him during the last months. He told him how the lack of acknowledgement had left him doubting his uncle's affections, how he had taken his exclusion from all political affairs as a sign of uselessness and how he had feared to be send away for loving his brother.

 

“I feel lonely,” he whispered.

 

Thorin was aghast.

 

“I would never dare to interfere in the relationship between Ones. It’s a sacred bond, untouchable and worth more than all the gold in the world. Every dwarf, who finds his One, can consider himself very lucky. Thus I couldn’t be happier for the both of you. And the only thing standing between you and me is the shame I feel every time I’m around you. You are neither unworthy nor useless. On the contrary, you and your brother are very precious to me, you always were.”

 

Kili nodded in understanding, his relief clearly visible in his face. Nonetheless, there were still things out into the open.

 

“Then why am I debarred from all political matters if you not think me inept?”

 

“Well, that is an issue you have to discuss with Oin. He had made it very clear that you were not to be strained in any way for at least half a year. You took an orc mace to your head, this is a serious matter, Kili. Dis and I wanted to wait until after the wedding before we would have given more tasks to you, including that particular council seat, which is not vacant but reserved for you. Furthermore I hoped for your help with the upcoming negotiations with the elves, since you are more skilled in dealing with them than I’ll ever be. You are not excluded, your attendance is just postponed. Don’t you remember Oin’s instructions?”

 

“Honestly … no. But I don’t remember much from the first weeks after the battle. But I’m better now, really. I haven’t had a headache in weeks and I don’t confuse words anymore.”

 

Thorin gifted him with a warm smile, one of those rare ones he only saved for close family. Then he brought their foreheads together and looked Kili deep in the eyes. In that very moment they weren’t king and spare, nor were they king and heir’s consort, nor leader and henchman. They were just random dwarves, uncle and nephew, sharing a quiet moment of appreciation and attachment.

 

“My lad, my dear lad, your time will come, I promise. But now we have to carry out a wedding ceremony.”

 

“Mother is late,” Kili noticed not without worry.

 

“That’s because she’s tending to the heir,“ Thorin said with a wink.

 

“Since she sensed there was something off with the two of us, she suggested switching parts. Kili, will you give me the honour to braid your hair on your wedding day and commit you to your future spouse?”

 

The words were stuck in his throat when he fought against emotional tears. It was not only that his uncle bestowed him with the greatest honour a dwarf could be conferred with, it was also the little box with the six silver beads inside Thorin held out in his right hand. They were beautifully crafted with delicate carvings and Kili could not imagine how much work Fili had put into them.

 

“They’re beautiful!” he gasped. “But six? There are only four braids representing the line of Durin.”

 

Of course Kili had forged six beads himself, since his brother wore a braided moustache, but Fili’s intention to do so as well was oblivious to him.

 

“Your brother provisioned for the time you would start to braid your beard.”

 

Thorin smiled at Fili’s imperturbable faith in his little brother.

 

“Do you think I’ll have a proper beard one day?”

 

“I’m sure, you’re not even eighty. And if not,” he winked again, “we’ll send you to Fangorn. I hear the water there does wonders to hair growth.”

 

~~~

 

Having Thorin braid his hair had been both wonderfully calming and reassuring. Kili had felt moved back into his childhood when the king had regularly braided both of his nephews' hair in front of the fireplace, telling them stories, mostly about the Lonely Mountain. For the first time in months he was able to relax, despite the huge wedding ceremony ahead.

 

His uncle had skilfully woven Fili's beads in the traditional braids and now they were on their way to the throne. Entering the huge hall took Kili’s breath away. He wasn’t sure if he had ever seen so many dwarves in one place, not even in the battle. The stone terraces and stairs were full of them. Only the massive bridge, leading to the throne in the middle of the hall, was free. The most disconcerting fact was that they were quiet, completely quiet, not the tiniest sound coming from them. That was absolutely unusual for their race and the one or other elf would have stated that it wasn’t even physically possible.

 

But here he was, being led towards the throne past hundreds upon hundreds silent dwarves by the King under the Mountain. It had something eerie and the fact that every single one of them was only focussed on him made his heartbeat speed up. All he wanted was to race to Fili and run away, but instead he remained by his uncle’s side, who strode with a graceful pace, which was way too slow, at least in Kili’s opinion.

 

The two figures in front of the throne quickly came in sight and once again Kili gasped, feeling his knees starting to wobble. Fili looked magnificent, his hair braided the same way as Kili’s with his beads woven into it. His robe was held in red and gold and the heir’s crown was sitting on his head. The brunet loved this particular piece of jewellery, which was designed the same way as Thorin’s raven crown but way more delicate, although Fili only wore it on formal occasions.  

 

Kili’s eyes were wide and shiny with admiration, his mouth agape. He didn’t notice until Thorin closed it with a gentle finger lifting his jaw. He could feel the butterflies rising in his stomach, not to say flying round after round, and his entire body tingled. When they reached Fili and Dis, Thorin took his hand and laid it into his brother’s. Fili’s smile was bright, his dimples showing and his eyes shone with warmth and pure love.

 

“You’re beautiful,” the blond mouthed.

 

Kili didn’t answer, he just gifted his brother with his brightest smile and for a moment the both of them beamed at each other, besotted and proud. They had fought trolls, spiders and hordes of orcs and wargs to get here. They had almost died, even twice in Kili’s case, but their love had conquered all obstacles and had only grown stronger and stronger.

 

Thorin now stood in front of them and began with the ceremony, his voice booming. It might have looked prim for the other dwarves, but his nephews could see the emotions, which boiled inside of him, mirroring in his eyes. Love, pride and a little bit of wistfulness, for he probably just remembered them playing wedding as little dwarflings.

 

After the king’s speech the princes said their vows in Khuzdhul, one never leaving the other’s eyes, clutching their hands tightly. Then it was on the king to declare Kili consort. The brunet knelt in front of him while his uncle placed the heir’s consort’s crown, slender and crafted from silver, carefully on his head. When he rose again, Thorin brought their foreheads together. The entire hall was still silent and the both of them could only hear their breaths. A small smile ghosted over Thorin’s lips while Kili’s lower lip trembled dangerously, but he managed to contain himself.

 

The moment the princes’ lips touched to seal their bond with a kiss, all the distress, doubts and fears were forgotten and Kili literally melted in Fili’s arms. The crowd suddenly burst into deafening cheers, a roaring sound which didn’t want to end.

 

~~~

 

The following feast went in a blur, for Kili had only eyes for his spouse. Yes, _his spouse._ He lifted his goblet when Thorin drank to them.

 

“To my beloved nephews, who found true love despite all the impediments life had thrown on their paths. Love beyond all doubts and trepidations. Love, which could neither be destroyed by fire nor water, neither by orc nor dragon. Love even beyond death. May that luck be bestowed to many other dwarves in the kingdom that it may grow and prosper.”

 

They all drank and Kili looked to Fili, who was eyeing him suspiciously.

 

“Kee, is that really you? You seem so unbent and at ease all of a sudden.”

 

The consort snorted, taking another sip of his wine.

 

“It is me, Fee. Thorin and I happened to have a little chat and, well, it seems things are going to be alright in the end.”

 

“See? I told you so. So, I take it we can relish our free time as newlyweds and have some nice days off before you enter your responsible position at the council? Or maybe you prefer being sent as an ambassador to the Woodland Realm? You can stare at elven backsides all day.”

 

Kili burst out laughing. Then he pulled Fili in a tight embrace and kissed him passionately.

 

“Thanks, but no thanks. As much as I regret to deny your offer, but I belong with my brother.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this isn't very detailled, but explicit descriptions, especially of cloths, jewellery or hairstyles, are beyond my capabilities of writing in a foreign language. I hoped you liked it anyway.
> 
> ~~~
> 
> I'm also at [tumblr](https://silva-13.tumblr.com/)


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